May 23rd, Pat's been out of work for almost 20 months now. I am at my wits end. It's not like he hasn't tried to find work. He's put in for many jobs over the months. He's interviewed with a lot of companies. On more then a few he felt like he did well enough to get the job. I just do not understand what the problem is? He's smart, well educated (has a masters degree) and is a good guy! I get angry when the places he interviews with do not even have the decency or time to call back. Even if it is to tell him that he didn't get the job. Because when they don't call back, we hang onto hope...each day feels like a week and each week feels like a month. Waiting for that phone call. Five o'clock comes and I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under my feet. Monday mornings have been hard, because it's the start of a new week and I have gotten to the point where I have lost hope (Lord forgive me) and I know this is the start to a week that will be the same as all the other weeks. I have never felt this helpless and hopeless. I can't remember a time in my 58 yrs where life has been this hard. Even when we were first married and Pat worked in the newspaper print room, when he worked as a security guard for a dept store, making minimum wage...at least we had something coming in. I've lost my ability to dream. How can you dream about things when you have no way of getting them? I'm tired. I"m depressed. and I'm angry. My anger at the Lord makes me feel guilty. My anger at Pat makes me feel guilty. I don't want to feel this way, but I can't get myself out of this funk. As I type Pat is at McDonalds applying for a job. I know he did not want to go there, but after yet another fight, I told him he has to do something, and working at McDonalds or pizza hut would be better then nothing. I don't like this any more then he does..but what else can we do? I really don't think people grasp the situation we're in. The mortgage company we have our house loan with did cut us a deal. For four months we can pay $650 instead of the usual $1300. After those four months, they will re-do the loan. This sounds great, but the truth of the matter is, we do not even have that $650. Pat gets a small retirement pay from the A.F. and anheuser busch, it adds up to about $2400 a month. We have to use that to make our car payment, which is over $400, car insurance, water, electric and utility bills, and to pay for our home security system (which we signed a contract for and comes directly out of his retirment). What's left goes for gas and food. We do not have enough to make it thru a month. We were selling things on Ebay but can no longer do this because we had to quit paying my paypal bill. We quit paying the credit cards we had to start using just to survive. They're all maxed out and the phone rings off the hook from the debt collectors. I gave Pat control of our budget the day he left Anheuser busch. I have no idea how much money he has at any given point. I just know that he tries his best to make it last thru the month. Which, it never does. I get frustarted when I talk to my family. I know they love us but I know too that they have no idea as to what we are going thru. You wouldn't unless you were the one going thru it. When my mom tells me that she tried a new sandwich at a fast food place and then tells me how good it was and how I need to try it, I tell her I will, but in reality I won't, because we do not have the money. Mom started sending us $100 a month last month, (She gives all four of us kids this money each month) which I appreciate more then she will ever know, she's offered her house for us to stay in, I know she loves us but she really doesn't have a clue as to the shape we are in. At one point, I got angry with her. With her and my brother Rick, because mom lives in Ricks house and she therefore pays him money for rent. She insisted on this before she agreed to move in with him. She takes Rick and his wife out to eat a lot..or has them bring home carry out food. She buys them a lot of their groceries. I was looking for someone to blame for the mess Pat and I are in, and I took it out on mom and Rick. I sent Rick an email telling him that I thought mom was paying too much for rent (she pays $400 a month) and I stopped calling mom every day, only calling her a few times a week. I was angry, not at them, I was angry at myself and Pat. They just happened to be the victims of my anger. I regret sending Rick that email. I love my little brother so much. And I regret the days I didn't call mom...I can't get them back. I apologized to them both and they both accepted my apology. But I still feel guilty over it. When mom recently got out of rehab after her 2 hip surgeries, I was going to go back home to help her the first week, my sister said she would send us the money to get there out of moms money (Christie takes care of moms check book and bank account), but then I realized that I just could not make this trip. As much as I wanted to go, I knew I couldn't leave Pat here alone and I have too much pride to take the money to make the trip. When I complain and cry to my family about our finances, I am not doing it to get money from them. I do not want their money. I just want someone who loves me to hear me rant and rage. I wish my dad were still alive, just hearing his saying "Everything will work out" would be like music to my ears! I miss him so much. My sister sent me $50 and my brother Jim sent me $50. I appreciated it very much, but it was not easy accepting it. I'm not used to being the taker. I'm not comfortable in this position. My sister sent me a gift card for a clothing store and she shared some of her winnings from a lucky day at the casino with me! She has a heart of gold and I love her dearly! Jim is the baby of our family and he too has a heart of gold. Of all my siblings, Jim is the one who can understand what it feels like to be out of a job...he was in our position a few yrs ago. I remember his feeling the same way I feel. But he was blessed with a job within a few months. Thank God for that because I would not wish this on anyone! I love Jim with all my heart and soul! He's offered us, more then once,  to come stay with him and his family. I appreciate the offer, but once again, pride steps in the way. I pray for Pat to get a job every day. Then I get angry with the Lord because he hasn't gotten one. I wonder what our lesson is to learn from this? Today we have six dollars between the two of us. Pat has one dollar, and I found three dollars i had stashed away, along with two dollars in change at the bottom of my purse. We have 8 days until we get paid, we are out of dry cat food, milk, and tylenol. There is no way our $6 is going to buy all of this. So we will have to put off the milk and the tylenol. The gas tank is near empty I haven't been out of the house in 5 days and i feel like i'm toppling over the edge. I pray that the Lord will let me keep my sanity and that He will bless Pat with a job.

Pat is mowing the yard as I type, I think he tries to keep busy from losing his mind. We have gotten ourselves into quite a mess and we're struggling to find a way out. When he left anheuser busch in Oct 2011 his plan was to pay off our massive debt with the money he was given to take an early retirment and then enjoy 3 months off before finding a new job. That was 18 months ago. His pay went from an annual six figure number to about $24000 a year. Needless to say, this has not been enough to keep us afloat, so we started using the charges we had paid off. We maxed out four of our credit cards and are to a point now where we cannot afford to make the payments on them. Our once great credit rating has gone to hell. Our house is in foreclosure and we do not have enough money to make it from one month to the next without selling something on ebay. Last week Pat pawned one of my rings so I could make a trip back to Ohio to stay with my mom who just got out of rehab after having two major hip surgeries in the past four months. When my sister called and was crying because she's tired and stressed out, without thinking, I blurted out "I'll come home to stay with mom for the first two weeks" (until she settles in and is able to do  more on her own). I was thinking or speaking with my heart and not my brain. My sister sounding relieved, told me she'd send us some money (from mom) to help us get back there. I tell Pat and he says we need to rent a car, that our car may not make that long of a trip (it has over 140,000 miles on it). Great...Just what I needed..another worry. I never thought we would be in this shape are our age. I mean, we aren't exactly young! We're at an age where we should be ready to retire without worries. We're FAR from that. When Pat was in the military we were at least assured a place to live, we spent most of our miltary years living in base housing, which some people assume is free, it's not, but..it was cheap and it was taken directly out of his paychecks. Being an NCO with four children did not make for a lot of extra money, but I never felt the panic or stress over our finances that I'm feeling today. I look back on our military years and I miss them. I felt safe and secure. We were able to travel to and live in places that we never could have afforded on our own.  Sicily! Hawaii! Those were the days! Life seemed so easy and simple.
Its hard to believe that it's been almost 18 years since Pat retired from the Air Force. We were living in Hawaii when he retired. We moved back here to Illinois, for our kids. Because we had been stationed here before our tour in Hawaii, our kids had friends here which is why they wanted to come back to Mascoutah. Pat and I would have much rather moved to the south east coast...close to the ocean, but we figured we had moved our kids around enough over the years, so we would go to where they wanted and later fulfill our retirement by the ocean dream!

I'm still trying to deal with Robs sentence. He spent just under 2 months in jail and was then let out without anyone having to pay any bond, with 30 months probation to be transferred to Maryland, which is where he said he is going to be living. The probation is not covered in Va., which is where he said he has a job. Personally, I do not belive that he has this so called job, with the people waiting over two months for him to get there. If he does, then the company that hired him must not have done any background check at all. Because he has been fired from all his previous jobs due to drinking or disrespect. And now he has the class four felony on his record. I find it hard to beleive that anyone would hire him at this point in time. I believe his dad set this up for him. To get him out of jail and off easy. Which baffles my mind, because he has put his dad thru as much as he has us. He's threatened to kill his dad and his sister. He once tried to knife his sister and her husband. At one time she was on our side. She even said she'd testify against him if it came to that. He stole her sons car and totalled it when he was on his way here. I understand that a parent loves their children unconditionally, but his dad and his sister know how sick rob is. They know he's capable of harming others. They know he's mentally unstable. So why would they want him off easy? Why would they want him free in society knowing all they know about his behavior. I have a dear friend whose son is in jail for child molestation, I will not go into details about this, but this is her only child and she loves him as much as much as any mom loves their kids, unconditional love. Yet she has said to me that if he needs a time out, then so be it. She'd rather he spend his life in prison if that's what it takes to heal him, then for him to spend eternity in hell. She says that God is giving him a time out. Wow...if only we all could be like my friend! She sees past the flesh and into the spirit. She is an awesome witness for God! And i love her dearly!
I had my meltdown the other day. We are back to sleepless nights. Sleeping with a loaded gun by your side is not my idea of a good nights sleep. I guess everything caught up with me. I tend to keep a lot of emotions pent up inside me and when the detective who has been on the case (on our side) sent Pat an email asking him to have me delete the negative posts I had on facebook about rob, and then to delete my facebook account altogether, I lost it. I was angry at the detective (who really, is the one who got this case moving in the right direction), I was angry at Pat (for agreeing with him) and I was angry at God. I'm guilty, I vented on facebook about Rob, I even left messages directly to him there, because i knew he was somehow getting into my facebook and reading it and even lifting pictures out of it, so I knew he'd see how I felt. It was my only way to get out all the anger and pain that i've been feeling toward him to him. My immediate reaction to this was "NO"...I am NOT going to delete my posts or my facebook account". After all it's MY account and I had all the security settings set. Rob was breaking into my facebook account and I felt like i was being disciplined for "antagonizing him"..as the detective said. He said I was stirring up a hornets nest. I have kept so much pain and anger inside myself my entire life, and this was the straw that broke the camels back. When I was being sexually abused thruout my childhood by a man we knew as our grandpa (he was grandmas second husband so not a blood relative, but we knew him as  grandpa our entire life), I never said a word to anyone about it. Neither did my sister, who was also being abused by him. I was afraid of the hurt it would cause my grandma (who was a dear sweet Christian woman) and my mom dad. I was afraid of how they'd react. i did not want to cause any trouble. so I kept quiet. I mourn for that little 7 yr old girl now. My heart breaks for her. It breaks for my sister and my cousin who were also victims of this man. It wasn't until he passed away (I was in my twenties) that I finally told my mom and dad about what he did to me. My sister opened up about it too. Thruout the years I have recieved alot of counseling for this. I thought I had gotten to a point where I not only let it go, but even forgave him. Now I'm not so sure? I want to forgive him, because I know this is the right thing to do. Just as I want to forgive rob, because I know it's the right thing to do. I think to myself of all the sins I've commited thruout my life (and continue to commit) and I think what if the Lord gave up on me...what if He said, "you're past your number of times that I'm going to forgive you".....I'd be in BIG trouble and my life would be hell. I"m trying to let this soak into my soul.....that we have to forgive others no matter what they do to us or how many times they hurt us. It's not an option...we HAVE to forgive!
I was sitting in the garage when Pat came out and I started to cry. I let it all out, how I feel that i've had to keep quiet my entire life....how I didn't speak up about my grandpa when I was a child, how I couldn't speak my mind about rob even when I knew he was abusing Christie, because she was not ready to see him for who he was yet herself and I feared I'd lose her if I spoke against him. How I didn't speak up when he first started brainwashing her at a tender 14 yrs old, because she threatened to kill herself if we didn't let her see him. How I had to keep my emotions bottled up inside myself when we lost our precious Anderson. I felt POWER when i vented on facebook about rob. I was venting to him, but my viscous words full of hate, were not just for him...they were for my grandpa too. I told Pat that I was MAD...because all of the bad people seem to get away with everything in life, and it's the good ones, like our daughters Ally and Christie who seem to get hit with the pain and heartache. My arms ache to hold Anderson. I wonder what he looks like today? Is he growing up in heaven or is he staying a baby until his mommy gets there so she can rasie him herself? She is pregnant again with her fourth baby. Kate is pregnant with her third baby. Life goes on. Rob is a free man, the day after he got out of jail, he came to our home and poured salt into our gas tank and then rang our door bell late at night and ran. Like I said, we are sleeping with a loaded gun by our side. I'm in fear of my childrens lifes, and my own life, and my husbands. I desperately miss my dad (who passed away over 2 yrs ago) and I worry about my mom. She seems to have lost her desire to live. I desperately miss Anderson. I have to find peace in knowing that both Anderson and Dad are healed and in perfect health in heaven. That my grandmas are there helping take care of Anderson. I miss my grandmas. Even with all the fear rob has put into me and all the pain of loss, I am such a blessed woman! I have a husband who loves me in spite of my many faults. I love him more then anyone on the face of this earth! I have four beautiful children who make me so very proud. They've grown up to be such amazing adults, even with all the mistakes I made in raising them. I have 5 grandchildren with two more on the way, who are the light of my life! They make my heart sing! I have a sister and two brothers who i know are always there for me. Jim called me the other day to see how I was doing...i hope he knows how much that call meant to me. I know my family is all praying for us. I know my friend Liv is praying for us. These prayers mean more then words can say!  My mom is praying for us...and mom is a real prayer warrior. I love my mom so much! Christie came back to us, after many years of abuse from rob. She met and fell in love with Brian. Brian is an answer to a prayer. Chris and Mark are answers to prayers! Yes, in spite of all the hurt and anger and pain that I have felt thruout my life, I know the good in my life far outweighs the bad! Beautiful nieces and nephews, inlaws,  and cousins fill my life. I'm alive! I wake up each morning, being able to get out of bed, walk, talk, hear, see, smell, and taste! I can even swallow once again! I'm sorry Lord for being angry with You. I know that You are with us all always and that You will never leave us. We may not understand why something bad happens to us, and we may get angry when our prayers aren't answered in the way we want them to be answered, or in the time we hope to get our answer, but some things I do KNOW is that You are with us ALWAYS and that You forgive us ALWAYS, and that You Love us always! Help me to be a better child of Yours sweet Jesus! I love you!

We went to court today. Pat didn't want to go, he was afraid of how it would affect me. I've come so far with my swallowing. But I knew I had to go, I needed to see Rob again. I needed to be able to look him straight into the eyes and let him know that I'm still standing. That he hasn't done me in (yet anyway)! He only gave us eye contact for a few seconds, Im just hoping that he could see into my soul when he looked into my eyes. That he knew that I KNOW what he put my child thru and that I will no longer tolerate any hurt or pain he may think he can cause us. He got off with a gentle slap on the wrist. Thirty months probation. He has to serve his probation in Maryland, because that is where he said he will be living. Living in Maryland and working in Va. I have to wonder who would hire him with his previous working record? He's been fired from every job he's had due to his drinking or attitude. He pled guilty to all three counts of cyberstalking and to all his traffic violations. He has to have DNA testing (don't know what that's about), and random drug and alcohol checks. He is to have no contact with any of us or anyone in our family! If he does, he should get a year in the pen. I'm not so sure I believe this. I have lost faith in our justice system. When the state attorney was reading off (to the judge) some of the psychiotic death threat emails rob has sent us in the past, the judge (Michael Cook) didn't appear to be paying any attention whatsoever, he looked like he was looking for something under his desk. We were told that he goes easy on first time offenders. I wonder how easy he would go if it were his family or his daughter who was put thru all we've been thru? It did make me feel good, I'm sorry, but it did...to see rob in his orange jumpsuit and shakeled. And it made me even feel even better to hear him plead guilty and have to say "yes SIR" to the judge. He's always thought he was above the law, he's never shown respect to anyone in his life. This time he did! After his hearing, Pat and I went to eat at IHOP. Came home and I went out to our garage where I practiced cocking and aiming our shotgun! Still have not shot it with ammo in it, but we'll load it up the day rob gets out of jail. It will be in a safe place, locked away, but ready to use should rob come to our door. He has taken so much from us. He's hurt our daughter in a way that no one should ever have to endure. He's hurt me and our other children and Pat. He seems to have no conscience. My psychiatrist thinks he's a sociopath. He makes his way thru life stepping on whoever gets in his way, he hurts people, and he only thinks of hiself. I'm still praying that I will find it in my heart to be able to forgive him again. I know the Lord has forgiven me more times then I can count, and I have to believe that rob is a child of Gods even though he doesnt act like it. His dad is arranging for his travel pay to get to Va. I am glad that his dad is in touch with him again. He needs someone to show they care about him and it sure cannot be me right now. I talked to Ally and Kate today. My two pregnant girls! And Christie is coming over with Chloe tomorrow. She's going to clean house for us. We made a deal, we'll pay her to clean every other week. Thank you Lord for our daughters, for our son, for loving us in spite of our sins. Please help me to be able to let go of the anger I feel toward rob. Help me to be able to forgive him and not fear him because I know You are with me always!

Today is a beautiful Monday! The sun is shining and life is good! Pat's grilling burgers for supper and we're having sweet corn. Yum! I could make a meal out of sweet corn and tomatoes! We went to the mall earlier for our Auntie Anns pretzel fix. It was the first day I have been out since getting the laser last friday morning. Still can't wear makeup, but at least my face doesn't look like it was overcooked anymore! I'm wearing a grey maxi dress with grey chucks and a pink sweater...I remind myself of Katie Hynes, a dear old friend of our family, who passed away years ago. Kate lived to be about 92 yrs old and in her later years she always wore blue sneaks and she had a blue sweater! She always wore dresses, I never ever saw Kate in a pair of pants. She was a gem...a real angel here on earth! My mom knew her since she (mom) was a little girl, she grew up across the street from her. Kate was a life long friend to us four kids. When Dad took a transfer and we moved my sr yr of high school, Kate moved right along with us! Kate was as close to a saint as I've ever known here on earth! She was a beautiful soul who I miss. I wish I'd have talked to her more about her life. Now that she's gone, and she has no living relatives that we know of, it's too late to ask questions you wish you would have. I wish I'd have asked my grandmas a lot more too. They were both very strong woman who I love and miss a lot too. I am so glad and thankful that I talked to my dad a lot over the years. Dad was such an amazing story teller! He could captivate an audience with his stories! In his older years, when his memory wasn't quite as sharp as it used to be, he'd tell us the same story over and over again, yet we never told him we'd heard it before, because he enthralled us just as much the fifth time as he did the first with his story! I worry about my mom. She still has not accepted Dads passing. She wants to die to be with him again. I pray for her to find a desire to live and for her to find joy in what life she has left. But another part of me looks forward to her passing just as much as she wishes for it, because I know this is what she wants and I know what a sweet reunion it will be for her and dad when they meet again in heaven. Theirs is a true love story! They only knew each other six weeks before getting married and that union lasted for almost 58 years. They had their ups and their downs like all married couples do, but in their golden years they were so in love that you just could not imagine one without the other. As sad as I'll be when mom does pass, I'll be rejoicing with dad and all the other angels in heaven at her arrival back into the arms of her soul mate and true love! thank You Lord for allowing me to belong to my mom and dad here on earth! I couldn't have asked for any better parents!

Its been awhile since Ive posted here. Life is good. God is good! I'm a very blessed woman! We went to Chicago this past Monday and Tuesday. Drove the 5 hour drive and stayed in a hotel Ally and Mark got us for our mothers/fathers day gifts! The Westin, a very nice hotel. Ally and Mark and Patrick and Harrison were a few hotels down from us, in the Four Seasons...on the 42nd floor! Yikes...our ears popped on the elevator ride up there! They had a beautiful suite with panoramic views of the skyline and Lake Huron. It was so nice seeing them again. We don't get to see them near enough. I miss them so much. The boys bring me such joy! All of my grandkids do! They make me forget about all my problems and I just soak up their joy and innocense in life! We ate supper at Lou Manaltis (or is it Malnadis?) pizza place..omg...that is THE best pizza ever! And this is coming from a woman who has eaten authentic Italian pizza in Sicily! The deep dish crust is amazing...buttery and so crispy! Went to the navy pier where we all got shave ice. It was good, very fine like it should be. Like we could get it in Hawaii. Put a scoop of ice cream on the bottom of it there, add the flavored ice and we were in shave ice heaven! Watched the boys swim in their hotel pool. Patrick is doing so well! He seems to have lost most of his fear of water and can stay afloat for as long as needed! Harrison is taking a little longer to get past his fear, but hey...he was in the water! I'm so proud of them! Ally looked good, altho I still think she needs to put on some weight! I'm sure she will now that she's pregnant. I just hope she keeps it on after she has the baby. Tuesday we went for breakfast at the international pancake house. That place was jam packed! Had a good breakfast before heading  back to our hotel where Ally and her guys came up to visit for a short while before we had to check out at noon and head home. Time went by too fast. A short but sweet trip! Wednesday Christie and Chloe were over. Chloe is such a doll...she's looking more like her mommy every day! Today I had a laser done on my mug. I paid for it awhile ago but just now had the first of three treatments done today. OUCH! It feels like hundreds of bees stinging you, or like a rubber band being snapped up against your face. Which wouldn't be bad if it made a dramatic difference...but it doesn't, the difference it makes is very subtle. Why can't i just age with grace naturally?! I can't afford, not to mention, I'm too chicken to get a full fledged face lift, so I get the lasers, botox and juviderm. I'm fighting a losing battle here because the older i get the faster my skin falls, droops, sags, and wrinkles! One of these days I'm hoping I will get the attitude, of "just screw it"...I'm old and I am tired of fighting trying not to look it"!! I am up 12 lbs and have wacked off my hair. My mom and brothers will be thrilled..they hate my hair long, but i'm already missing it and can't wait to get my extensions put back in, in sept! Pat is still on the search for a job. Kate and Chris and Evie and Cole will be here this Sunday. I love my Sundays and Wednesdays, because i get to see some of my grandkids then! Evie will flip when she sees her old grandmas face covered in goop (aquafore) from the laser! When they stayed with us for a few days this month (when Chris was in Chicago for business), the first morning they were here, right after we woke up, and I came out into the living room where Kate and the kids were, Eve gave me the funniest look...I said to her" Grandmas pretty scary without makeup on, isn't she"? Eve said "Yes"!! I love her honesty! Out of the mouth of babes! Anyway, I'm off for now...going to try to call my mom. Thank you Lord for blessing me with such a beautiful life!

Yesterday we got up early, five AM! Yikes...I haven't been up that early since I was at my worst with my swallowing problem. Then I would go to bed as early as I could, because I was so hungry and thirsty, I wanted to sleep my life away. But since recovering (thank you Lord) we have gotten into the habit of staying up until one or two AM  and then sleeping in until ten AM. Not a good habit. We're sleeping these beautiful mornings away!
I had an appt to get a laser on my old mug. Drove all the way to the doctors office in St Louis, all to find out he didn't want to do it, because I had a blister on my lip. I have had one cold sore my entire life and it was years and years ago when I had it. This blister, I am sure was caused by the dental impressions. It took the girl three tries to get it right, I was freaking out! Anyway, the gunk she used to make the impressions was like a clay texture, and she got it all over my lips, even some on my cheeks and face! I had to scrub it off, which is what i think caused the blister. Whatever, the doctor told me if I were to have the laser done yesterday, there was a chance that I could get those blisters all over my entire face. I told him I want to look better, not worse. He left it up to me, and I nixed it. I am not happy with my dentist!! I go back in a few weeks for the laser. Actually, it's three sessions. Spread out over about three months time. One a month?
From getting up so early, and taking my meds so early, I took an extra dose of the lorezepam later in the afternoon. Not a good idea. I fell asleep at five in the afternoon. When Pat woke me up three hours later, at eight PM, I thought it was eight AM, the next morning! I was in a state of total confusion. Almost took my meds again thinking it was a new day. That would not have been good! When I went back to our bed to go to sleep again, the bedroom was spinning! I felt like I used to feel when I was drunk! I am guessing it had to have been caused from the extra lorezepam. I have got to get off this medicine! I hate taking it and I hate feeling so wiped out all the time.
Today we're going to the casino with Dave. Tomorrow to the lake with Kate and her gang. Then Monday Kate and the kids will be here for a few days and nights while Chris is in Chicago on business. I'm looking forward to that! It will be like a slumber party with the grandkids!