May 23rd, Pat's been out of work for almost 20 months now. I am at my wits end. It's not like he hasn't tried to find work. He's put in for many jobs over the months. He's interviewed with a lot of companies. On more then a few he felt like he did well enough to get the job. I just do not understand what the problem is? He's smart, well educated (has a masters degree) and is a good guy! I get angry when the places he interviews with do not even have the decency or time to call back. Even if it is to tell him that he didn't get the job. Because when they don't call back, we hang onto hope...each day feels like a week and each week feels like a month. Waiting for that phone call. Five o'clock comes and I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under my feet. Monday mornings have been hard, because it's the start of a new week and I have gotten to the point where I have lost hope (Lord forgive me) and I know this is the start to a week that will be the same as all the other weeks. I have never felt this helpless and hopeless. I can't remember a time in my 58 yrs where life has been this hard. Even when we were first married and Pat worked in the newspaper print room, when he worked as a security guard for a dept store, making minimum wage...at least we had something coming in. I've lost my ability to dream. How can you dream about things when you have no way of getting them? I'm tired. I"m depressed. and I'm angry. My anger at the Lord makes me feel guilty. My anger at Pat makes me feel guilty. I don't want to feel this way, but I can't get myself out of this funk. As I type Pat is at McDonalds applying for a job. I know he did not want to go there, but after yet another fight, I told him he has to do something, and working at McDonalds or pizza hut would be better then nothing. I don't like this any more then he does..but what else can we do? I really don't think people grasp the situation we're in. The mortgage company we have our house loan with did cut us a deal. For four months we can pay $650 instead of the usual $1300. After those four months, they will re-do the loan. This sounds great, but the truth of the matter is, we do not even have that $650. Pat gets a small retirement pay from the A.F. and anheuser busch, it adds up to about $2400 a month. We have to use that to make our car payment, which is over $400, car insurance, water, electric and utility bills, and to pay for our home security system (which we signed a contract for and comes directly out of his retirment). What's left goes for gas and food. We do not have enough to make it thru a month. We were selling things on Ebay but can no longer do this because we had to quit paying my paypal bill. We quit paying the credit cards we had to start using just to survive. They're all maxed out and the phone rings off the hook from the debt collectors. I gave Pat control of our budget the day he left Anheuser busch. I have no idea how much money he has at any given point. I just know that he tries his best to make it last thru the month. Which, it never does. I get frustarted when I talk to my family. I know they love us but I know too that they have no idea as to what we are going thru. You wouldn't unless you were the one going thru it. When my mom tells me that she tried a new sandwich at a fast food place and then tells me how good it was and how I need to try it, I tell her I will, but in reality I won't, because we do not have the money. Mom started sending us $100 a month last month, (She gives all four of us kids this money each month) which I appreciate more then she will ever know, she's offered her house for us to stay in, I know she loves us but she really doesn't have a clue as to the shape we are in. At one point, I got angry with her. With her and my brother Rick, because mom lives in Ricks house and she therefore pays him money for rent. She insisted on this before she agreed to move in with him. She takes Rick and his wife out to eat a lot..or has them bring home carry out food. She buys them a lot of their groceries. I was looking for someone to blame for the mess Pat and I are in, and I took it out on mom and Rick. I sent Rick an email telling him that I thought mom was paying too much for rent (she pays $400 a month) and I stopped calling mom every day, only calling her a few times a week. I was angry, not at them, I was angry at myself and Pat. They just happened to be the victims of my anger. I regret sending Rick that email. I love my little brother so much. And I regret the days I didn't call mom...I can't get them back. I apologized to them both and they both accepted my apology. But I still feel guilty over it. When mom recently got out of rehab after her 2 hip surgeries, I was going to go back home to help her the first week, my sister said she would send us the money to get there out of moms money (Christie takes care of moms check book and bank account), but then I realized that I just could not make this trip. As much as I wanted to go, I knew I couldn't leave Pat here alone and I have too much pride to take the money to make the trip. When I complain and cry to my family about our finances, I am not doing it to get money from them. I do not want their money. I just want someone who loves me to hear me rant and rage. I wish my dad were still alive, just hearing his saying "Everything will work out" would be like music to my ears! I miss him so much. My sister sent me $50 and my brother Jim sent me $50. I appreciated it very much, but it was not easy accepting it. I'm not used to being the taker. I'm not comfortable in this position. My sister sent me a gift card for a clothing store and she shared some of her winnings from a lucky day at the casino with me! She has a heart of gold and I love her dearly! Jim is the baby of our family and he too has a heart of gold. Of all my siblings, Jim is the one who can understand what it feels like to be out of a job...he was in our position a few yrs ago. I remember his feeling the same way I feel. But he was blessed with a job within a few months. Thank God for that because I would not wish this on anyone! I love Jim with all my heart and soul! He's offered us, more then once,  to come stay with him and his family. I appreciate the offer, but once again, pride steps in the way. I pray for Pat to get a job every day. Then I get angry with the Lord because he hasn't gotten one. I wonder what our lesson is to learn from this? Today we have six dollars between the two of us. Pat has one dollar, and I found three dollars i had stashed away, along with two dollars in change at the bottom of my purse. We have 8 days until we get paid, we are out of dry cat food, milk, and tylenol. There is no way our $6 is going to buy all of this. So we will have to put off the milk and the tylenol. The gas tank is near empty I haven't been out of the house in 5 days and i feel like i'm toppling over the edge. I pray that the Lord will let me keep my sanity and that He will bless Pat with a job.