I'm still trying to deal with Robs sentence. He spent just under 2 months in jail and was then let out without anyone having to pay any bond, with 30 months probation to be transferred to Maryland, which is where he said he is going to be living. The probation is not covered in Va., which is where he said he has a job. Personally, I do not belive that he has this so called job, with the people waiting over two months for him to get there. If he does, then the company that hired him must not have done any background check at all. Because he has been fired from all his previous jobs due to drinking or disrespect. And now he has the class four felony on his record. I find it hard to beleive that anyone would hire him at this point in time. I believe his dad set this up for him. To get him out of jail and off easy. Which baffles my mind, because he has put his dad thru as much as he has us. He's threatened to kill his dad and his sister. He once tried to knife his sister and her husband. At one time she was on our side. She even said she'd testify against him if it came to that. He stole her sons car and totalled it when he was on his way here. I understand that a parent loves their children unconditionally, but his dad and his sister know how sick rob is. They know he's capable of harming others. They know he's mentally unstable. So why would they want him off easy? Why would they want him free in society knowing all they know about his behavior. I have a dear friend whose son is in jail for child molestation, I will not go into details about this, but this is her only child and she loves him as much as much as any mom loves their kids, unconditional love. Yet she has said to me that if he needs a time out, then so be it. She'd rather he spend his life in prison if that's what it takes to heal him, then for him to spend eternity in hell. She says that God is giving him a time out. Wow...if only we all could be like my friend! She sees past the flesh and into the spirit. She is an awesome witness for God! And i love her dearly!
I had my meltdown the other day. We are back to sleepless nights. Sleeping with a loaded gun by your side is not my idea of a good nights sleep. I guess everything caught up with me. I tend to keep a lot of emotions pent up inside me and when the detective who has been on the case (on our side) sent Pat an email asking him to have me delete the negative posts I had on facebook about rob, and then to delete my facebook account altogether, I lost it. I was angry at the detective (who really, is the one who got this case moving in the right direction), I was angry at Pat (for agreeing with him) and I was angry at God. I'm guilty, I vented on facebook about Rob, I even left messages directly to him there, because i knew he was somehow getting into my facebook and reading it and even lifting pictures out of it, so I knew he'd see how I felt. It was my only way to get out all the anger and pain that i've been feeling toward him to him. My immediate reaction to this was "NO"...I am NOT going to delete my posts or my facebook account". After all it's MY account and I had all the security settings set. Rob was breaking into my facebook account and I felt like i was being disciplined for "antagonizing him"..as the detective said. He said I was stirring up a hornets nest. I have kept so much pain and anger inside myself my entire life, and this was the straw that broke the camels back. When I was being sexually abused thruout my childhood by a man we knew as our grandpa (he was grandmas second husband so not a blood relative, but we knew him as  grandpa our entire life), I never said a word to anyone about it. Neither did my sister, who was also being abused by him. I was afraid of the hurt it would cause my grandma (who was a dear sweet Christian woman) and my mom dad. I was afraid of how they'd react. i did not want to cause any trouble. so I kept quiet. I mourn for that little 7 yr old girl now. My heart breaks for her. It breaks for my sister and my cousin who were also victims of this man. It wasn't until he passed away (I was in my twenties) that I finally told my mom and dad about what he did to me. My sister opened up about it too. Thruout the years I have recieved alot of counseling for this. I thought I had gotten to a point where I not only let it go, but even forgave him. Now I'm not so sure? I want to forgive him, because I know this is the right thing to do. Just as I want to forgive rob, because I know it's the right thing to do. I think to myself of all the sins I've commited thruout my life (and continue to commit) and I think what if the Lord gave up on me...what if He said, "you're past your number of times that I'm going to forgive you".....I'd be in BIG trouble and my life would be hell. I"m trying to let this soak into my soul.....that we have to forgive others no matter what they do to us or how many times they hurt us. It's not an option...we HAVE to forgive!
I was sitting in the garage when Pat came out and I started to cry. I let it all out, how I feel that i've had to keep quiet my entire life....how I didn't speak up about my grandpa when I was a child, how I couldn't speak my mind about rob even when I knew he was abusing Christie, because she was not ready to see him for who he was yet herself and I feared I'd lose her if I spoke against him. How I didn't speak up when he first started brainwashing her at a tender 14 yrs old, because she threatened to kill herself if we didn't let her see him. How I had to keep my emotions bottled up inside myself when we lost our precious Anderson. I felt POWER when i vented on facebook about rob. I was venting to him, but my viscous words full of hate, were not just for him...they were for my grandpa too. I told Pat that I was MAD...because all of the bad people seem to get away with everything in life, and it's the good ones, like our daughters Ally and Christie who seem to get hit with the pain and heartache. My arms ache to hold Anderson. I wonder what he looks like today? Is he growing up in heaven or is he staying a baby until his mommy gets there so she can rasie him herself? She is pregnant again with her fourth baby. Kate is pregnant with her third baby. Life goes on. Rob is a free man, the day after he got out of jail, he came to our home and poured salt into our gas tank and then rang our door bell late at night and ran. Like I said, we are sleeping with a loaded gun by our side. I'm in fear of my childrens lifes, and my own life, and my husbands. I desperately miss my dad (who passed away over 2 yrs ago) and I worry about my mom. She seems to have lost her desire to live. I desperately miss Anderson. I have to find peace in knowing that both Anderson and Dad are healed and in perfect health in heaven. That my grandmas are there helping take care of Anderson. I miss my grandmas. Even with all the fear rob has put into me and all the pain of loss, I am such a blessed woman! I have a husband who loves me in spite of my many faults. I love him more then anyone on the face of this earth! I have four beautiful children who make me so very proud. They've grown up to be such amazing adults, even with all the mistakes I made in raising them. I have 5 grandchildren with two more on the way, who are the light of my life! They make my heart sing! I have a sister and two brothers who i know are always there for me. Jim called me the other day to see how I was doing...i hope he knows how much that call meant to me. I know my family is all praying for us. I know my friend Liv is praying for us. These prayers mean more then words can say!  My mom is praying for us...and mom is a real prayer warrior. I love my mom so much! Christie came back to us, after many years of abuse from rob. She met and fell in love with Brian. Brian is an answer to a prayer. Chris and Mark are answers to prayers! Yes, in spite of all the hurt and anger and pain that I have felt thruout my life, I know the good in my life far outweighs the bad! Beautiful nieces and nephews, inlaws,  and cousins fill my life. I'm alive! I wake up each morning, being able to get out of bed, walk, talk, hear, see, smell, and taste! I can even swallow once again! I'm sorry Lord for being angry with You. I know that You are with us all always and that You will never leave us. We may not understand why something bad happens to us, and we may get angry when our prayers aren't answered in the way we want them to be answered, or in the time we hope to get our answer, but some things I do KNOW is that You are with us ALWAYS and that You forgive us ALWAYS, and that You Love us always! Help me to be a better child of Yours sweet Jesus! I love you!